Diary of a lonely extrovert

Behind every radiating smile, is a shadow looming within.-Ezera Emetu.

I became a mixture of the rare introvert/extrovert specie many years ago when I made a drastic decision to get rid of my friends and be loyal to my future. It paid off, but had consequences thanks to long spells of loneliness and depression.
Being a lonely extrovert demands lots of efforts to smile and be in good company in public, when inwardly you feel miserable and in need of a heart to reach out to. It becomes even more complicated when people run to you for succour, run to you for strength and motivation. How can you possibly fail them? How can you display weakness when you represent a symbol of strength?

Few days ago, Chester Bennington, the Linkin Park lead singer, died of suspected suicide aged 41. A man who gave millions a reason to live opted for the easy way!  
He had everything billions in the world pray and fast each say for a percent. Money, fame, power and what have you. So  why then did he end everything?

His death and many more to come shows we all fight numerous unseen battles. Noiseless battles with loud consequences. Battles of life and death, love and hate, strength and weakness, battles that determine the choice to live or die.

Sometimes loneliness comes not from that lack of company or affection, but the fear of failing in life. The fear you may never live the dreams in you. Dreams that mean the world to you.
Of late, I have been more depressed than I have smiled. The past one year has been the worst part of my life so far. 
My Faith has been questioned. 

My patience stretched beyond her.limits.

My spirit has been near broken. But I hold on, expecting God to show up.

There are days I wish to just end everything and take a walk. There are days I get to depressed I wish I could wake in a coma.

Outwardly, I seem a very jolly fellow. But within I hurt and wonder when it will all end.
But then, there are millions like me out there with worse experiences. Experiences that make mine look like a headache.  Millions who wake up with suicidal thoughts but lack the courage to take a walk. Millions who have lost the will to live and believe again. Millions who are lonely extroverts. Millions in need of a change. Will it ever come?

We keep believing and hoping that someday the closed door will be broken or the building razed down.

That someday we will toast to a better life and laugh hard at our anxieties. I will keep fighting till there is no air left. Hope you do same!

Warm regards from a Lonely Extrovert®